When we go walking in the moonlight, I always see five stars

She came out here from Kansas to check out the local scene
She got a job as a freelance writer for a music magazine
Now she gets all the latest releases before they’re even in the store
And she’s on the guest list at all the clubs, so they wave her right through the door

I met her down at the Kendall Cafe, we talked about our favorite bands
By the time we got to Commander Cody the two of us were holding hands
And it wasn’t long before she gave me much more than a flattering quote
Now I’m a critic’s darling and I don’t have to play a note

I’m a critic’s darling, sounds crazy but it’s true
She’s tellin’ her friends that I’m the one, and that’s a pretty good review
Yeah, I’m a critic’s darling, in the bookstores and the bars
When we go walking in the moonlight, I always see five stars

When the day is done and we’re takin’ it easy, she finds some music that fits
She may not have the boxed set, but she’s got the greatest hits
She’d slap me if she heard that line and say, “You’re such a clever man”
But I don’t mind a little criticism, I know she’s my biggest fan

I’m a critic’s darling, sounds crazy but it’s true
She’s tellin’ her friends that I’m the one, and that’s a pretty good review
Yeah, I’m a critic’s darling, in the bookstores and the bars
When we go walking in the moonlight, I always see five stars
Always see five stars
Always see five stars

And all of my friends are dead or in prison
Or living in exile to hide from the law
If you say that’s a lie, I won’t tell you it isn’t
But it’s a helluva way to start out a song

I may be wrong but I feel alright
And I’ll take a Tuesday over Saturday night
I stand here in silence ... words left unsaid
As an old fiddle tune rattles ’round in my head

And I lost my job, and it was due to attrition
I lost my nerve, but I found it again
I’ve got my eye on a bluegrass musician
Who learned how to play on her dad’s violin

I may be wrong but I feel alright
And I’ll take a Tuesday over Saturday night
She tells me some stories ... of the life she’s led
As an old fiddle tune rattles ’round in my head

And I’ve got a name and I’ve got a number
That’s all I need to take it on home
My head hits the pillow and I slide into slumber
Never knowin’ just where my mind’s bound to roam

I may be wrong but I feel alright
And I’ll take a Tuesday over Saturday night
I’m lost in dreaming ... adrift in my bed
As an old fiddle tune rattles ’round in my head
A high lonesome tune rattles ’round in my head

Well it’s true I made a right on red in 1987
And 16 schoolkids wound up dead, and 15 went to heaven

Sweetheart I’m sorry, I never meant to make you cry
Sweetheart I’m sorry, let me dry those tears from your eyes

On a cold gray day to the city I drove, to see who would remember my name
Well I must’ve left something burning on the stove, cause my building went up in flames

Sweetheart I’m sorry, I never meant to make you cry
Sweetheart I’m sorry, let me dry those tears from your eyes

I was lying on the beach staring out the sea, watching the sun go down
Saw a woman in the water who was waving to me, read in the paper she drowned

Sweetheart I’m sorry, I never meant to make you cry
Sweetheart I’m sorry, let me dry those tears from your eyes ... from your eyes

When our love was Rated G
It all seemed so innocent to me
We’d stroll around together
And talk about the weather
When our love was Rated G

Then our love was Rated R
Who’d a thought we’d ever get that far?
I’d kiss you in sweet silence
Didn’t need parental guidance
When our love was Rated R

Now this one is not explicit
So watch out or you might miss it

Now our love is Rated X
It’s not because of violence or sex
We’re no longer with each other
You’re just my former lover
Now our love is Rated X
Rated X
Rated X

Back when I was with you, babe, I was always feelin’ fine
I’d smile for no good reason, and I lost my sense of time
Then you found another, and you left me here to drift
Now I need a little help when I need a little lift

I used to get high on your love, nowadays I just get high
I used to walk on the clouds up above, nowadays I just get by
I used to get high on your love, nowadays I just get high
I used to fly like the wings of a dove, now I sit and wonder why

All my worries went up in smoke when I was holding you
And I felt like I was in on a secret only the two of us knew
When you started stepping out on me, you stole my peace of mind
And now I can only get it back an hour or two at a time

I used to get high on your love, nowadays I just get high
I used to walk on the clouds up above, nowadays I just get by
I used to get high on your love, nowadays I just get high
I used to fly like the wings of a dove, now I sit and wonder why
Nowadays I sit and cry

That cat is fast and he’s nobody’s fool / most of all that cat is cool
He’s a cool, cool cat / the talk of the town
He’s the coolest of cats / and he gets around

That cat likes jazz and that cat likes blues / he likes to watch the 10 o’ clock news
But if you blink for a second / he’s out the back door
He’s looking for something / we’re all looking for

He stays out all night long / comes crawling home at dawn
He has a little bite to eat / all day long he loves to sleep

The ladies all love him and it’s no surprise / they can’t resist the look in his eyes
But don’t try to tame him / you’re bound to fail
Cause when midnight strikes / he’s out chasin’ tail

He stays out all night long / comes crawling home at dawn
Don’t ask him where he’s been / just look what the cat dragged in

That cat is fast and he’s nobody’s fool / most of all that cat is cool
He’s a cool, cool cat / the talk of the town
He’s the coolest of cats / and he gets around

Doctors today are doing incredible things
They can rebuild your knees with implanted metal and springs
If you’re losing your hair or need intensive care ...
Each day’s morning paper, a new development brings

Doctors today have really progressed
Our medical care is surely the best
For every disease there’s a diagnostic test
But when they come up with the cure for heartache
When they come up with the cure for heartache
When they come up with the cure for heartache
... then I’ll be impressed

Doctors today can add 15 years to your life
And when your skin starts to sag you can always go under the knife
If your cat makes you sneeze or your dog gives you fleas
Why there’s even a pill to help a man make love to his wife

Doctors today have really progressed
Our medical care is surely the best
For every disease there’s a diagnostic test
But when they come up with the cure for heartache
When they come up with the cure for heartache
When they come up with the cure for heartache
... then I’ll be impressed

Someday there’ll be an answer for each kind of cancer
And when it happens, I’ll offer a toast
But the kind of cure of which I’m less sure
Is the one that the world needs the most

You used to turn to me when there was no one you could trust
Now you got me up on the shelf, where I’m only gathering dust

Your friends come by and visit, they can’t believe I’m still around
They say I’m too much trouble, can’t stand that scratchy sound

Seems you never want to take me out anymore
I heard you tell your neighbor, you’re gonna give me to the used record store
I still think I sound pretty good, won’t you play me once more please
All you care about these days are those shiny little CDs

You can try to replace me, but you cannot erase me
Don’t let the cat deface me with his claws
If you’ve got the inclination, I’ll be your salvation
Put me back in the rotation, I won’t let you down

You can always play me like before
I’ll forget you told your neighbor you’re gonna me to the used record store
I still think I sound pretty good, won’t you play me once more please
It will be just like old times, before you started buying CDs

So if you still got a turntable and you’re in the mood to move
Forget about what’s on cable and pop the needle, pop the needle in the groove

If you won’t take me back, then I guess the terrorists win
It means you’re living in fear, of all that might have been
Take me back ... take me back again
I’m your homeland security
I’m your lover and your best friend

Thinkin’ about leavin’ town just gives me the blues
If I try to board an airplane, they’ll make me take off my shoes
Take me back ... take me back once more
I don’t need no metal detector
I know just what I’m looking for

Livin’ on bottled water, livin’ on red alert
Smallpox in my bloodstream, anthrax on my shirt
Take me back ... back to a better place
We’ll move to a deserted island
We’ll disappear without a trace

I said we’ll move to a deserted island
We’ll start a whole new human race

Well I start my day with coffee and I end it with a beer
And in between I wonder what the hell I’m doin’ here
You know I’ve heard it said that all good things must come to an end
And since my baby left me, coffee and beer are my two best friends

Well she weighed about a hundred pounds and she had pretty long black hair
And I knew she was trouble when I saw her standing there
I swear she looked right through me, Lord, she did not even blink
She said, “I’m a little thirsty, why don’t we share a drink?”
But once I got to know her I was in for a little surprise
There was a logical reason for that buzzed look in her eyes
You see she had a little problem with alcohol and caffeine
She just couldn’t face the real world without beer and coffee beans

Well I start my day with coffee and I end it with a beer
And in between I wonder what the hell I’m doin’ here
You know I’ve heard it said that all good things must come to an end
And since my baby left me, coffee and beer are my two best friends

Each and every morning she’d get juiced up on the stuff
All day she’d run me ragged, my best was never good enough
At night she was a real demon, a porter and a lager and an ale
My heart was getting a workout, but my liver was beginnin’ to fail
When she gave me my walking papers, I wiped my eyes and I blew my nose
I knew I’d miss her kind of lovin’, but I could live without the highs and lows
Headaches and hangovers followed all those bottles and mugs
And I learned a thing or two about the world’s most popular drugs

Well I start my day with coffee and I end it with a beer
And in between I wonder what the hell I’m doin’ here
You know I’ve heard it said that all good things must come to an end
And since my baby left me, coffee and beer are my two best friends

Check out the new girl at the office, she started yesterday
Finally got a reason to go to work besides my pay-
Check out the new girl at the office, they all say she’s quite a cutie
Ten years in this cubicle, and I’ve never seen such beauty
The new girl at the office, I dig her demographic
On her walk down to the subway, I wave to her from traffic

Now the new girl at the office, knows nothing ’bout my life
But I think of her when I go home, to my screaming kids and wife

Check out the new girl at the office, and tell me what you think
And don’t you make a crude remark about dipping your pen in company ink
The new girl at the office, with the overhead projector
When some fool says her plan won’t work, I rise up to protect her

Now the new girl at the office, knows nothing ’bout my life
But I think of her when I go home, to my screaming kids and wife

I should respond to the boss’ email, he wants to do away with casual day
But my mind’s on a certain female, who smiles at me in the hallway

Now the new girl at the office, found a better job downtown
I wrote “we’re gonna miss you,” when they passed her card around

Now the new girl at the office, knew nothing ’bout my life
I still think of her when I go home, to my screaming kids and wife

Like a barbecue spoiled by a skunk
Or a garage sale that ain’t nothing but junk
Like a pair of jeans that never shoulda shrunk
I only think about you when I’m drunk

When I’m drunk, when I’m drunk
I only think about you when I’m drunk
Yeah when I get down to drinkin’, that’s when I start to thinkin’
I only think about you when I’m drunk

Like a college boy who knows he’s gonna flunk
Or a kid at camp fallin’ out of his bunk
Like Shaquille O’Neal missin’ on a dunk
I only think about you when I’m drunk

When I’m drunk, when I’m drunk
I only think about you when I’m drunk
Well it comes as no surprise, when I see those dark green eyes
I only think about you when I’m drunk

Like a Communist regime persecutin’ a monk
Or a refugee on a raft that sunk
Like a millionaire executive tossed in a trunk
I only think about you when I’m drunk

When I’m drunk, when I’m drunk
I only think about you when I’m drunk
Well I probably shouldn’t complain, but there’s a little part of my brain
That makes me think about you when I’m drunk

Yeah your memory’s reinstated when I’m intoxicated
I only think about you when I’m drunk
Yeah when I get down to drinkin’, that’s when I start to thinkin’
I only think about you when I’m drunk

You oughta see my baby when see smiles
Through trips and traps and tricks and tests and trials
I think it comes from somewhere deep inside
You oughta see my baby when she smiles

I think it’s safe to say she likes to dance
’Cause whenever she is given half a chance
She calls my name and takes me by the hand
I think it’s safe to say she likes to dance

Well I don’t know if she’ll stick around, but I sure hope she does
I do my best to make her want to stay
Ever since she came to town, I’m more fun to be around
She smiles and laughs and dances my blues away

When you meet her you might think she’s kind of shy
Ah, but underneath she’s mischievous and sly
There’s a look she gets just before she rolls her eyes
When you meet you might think she’s kind of shy

Well I don’t know if I’ll stick around, but I just think I might
She’s not the kind who makes you want to stray
Ever since she came to town, I’m more fun to be around
She smiles and laughs and dances my blues away
She smiles and laughs and dances my blues away
You oughta see my baby when she smiles

Since you been gone, I read a book and I wrote this song
I woulda seen a movie, but I couldn’t sit still that long

I wanna be distracted until a new law is enacted
That brings you home to me
You say you’re goin’ away friend, and it’s just for the weekend
Well I go off the deep end when you’re gone

Cause I thought that we got off to a good start
But this waiting game is tearing me apart
You gotta come home to me

We’re always on a hiatus, how can you be such a sadist?
You gotta come home to me
How can I take you higher, when you’re such a frequent flier?
You gotta come home to me

Well you had better get yourself on the next plane
Cause this waiting game is driving me insane
You gotta come home to me

Since you been gone, I read a book and I wrote this song
I woulda seen a movie, but I couldn’t sit still that long

I wanna be distracted until a new law is enacted
That brings you home to me
How can I take you higher, when you’re such a frequent flier?
You gotta come home to me
I wanna be distracted

Maybe you meet her at an airport, maybe you meet her at a bar
Maybe you meet her at a red light, when she bumps into your car
When she gives you her phone number, and says, “Why don’t you call me soon?”
You’re just a month or two away from an old familiar tune:

Short-term romance, long-term pain
A brand new melody with a tired old refrain
Short-term romance, long-term pain
What heats up like a fever, can all go up in flames

You thought you made the right connection, she’d never do you any harm
By the way she touched your fingers, when you woke up in her arms
Ah, but looks can be deceiving, if your timing is all wrong
’Cause if you catch her on the rebound, you’ll sing an old familiar song:

Short-term romance, long-term pain
A brand new melody with a tired old refrain
Short-term romance, long-term pain
First you’re walking on a railroad, then you’re flattened by a train

When she tells you that it’s over, it’s the usual cliches
“I’ve given everything I have to give, it’s best we go our separate ways”
Feel like you’re in a movie, and as the camera fades to black
The credits start to rolling, guess what you hear on the soundtrack:

Short-term romance, long-term pain
A brand new melody with a tired old refrain
Short-term romance, long-term pain
At least you got a little love in, before it all went down the drain

Romance … pain … melody … with a tired old refrain
God I hate this melody, such a tired old refrain

Baby I know that it’s over, our love is in a deep freeze
That’s alright, I’ll be OK, but would you please give me back my CDs?
Please give me back my CDs, please give me back my CDs
I’d get ’em myself but you took back your keys, please give me back my CDs

I’m sorry that it didn’t work out, but quit acting like I’ve got a disease
I’m just trying to get on with my life, please give me back my CDs
Please give me back my CDs, please give me back my CDs
It’s a punch in the nose and it’s a kick in the knees, please give me back my CDs

I think you got some Coltrane over there, A Love Supreme
A bunch of bands from Austin, funk from New Orleans
I think you’re holding onto Blood on the Tracks, Townes and Lucinda, too
I tried to turn you on to music with a twang, you know I love them country blues
In the end you liked my music, more than you liked me
I can’t blame you for the choice that you made, but you gotta give back my CDs

Please give me back my CDs, please give me back my CDs
There’s only one way to put my mind at ease, please give me back my CDs

You told me you’d mail ’em a month or so ago, you always did like to tease
I’m gonna get me a lawyer, if you don’t send me back my CDs
Please give me back my CDs, please give me back my CDs
It’s Holy Cannoli and it’s Geez Louise, please give me back my CDs

Spoken: And my parking pass, too

I try to get my point across but you keep bringin’ me down
All you offer me is cryptic clues
I don’t know why I even try, I’m feeling like a clown
You’re givin’ me the crossword puzzle blues

You came here on a Sunday, dressed in black and white
You’re leaving here on Monday, if everything works out right
I know you’re playing hard to get, but it’s only a matter of time
I’ll find out what you’re hidin’ from me, or else I’ll lose my mind

I know that I should leave you alone but something draws me in
So I sit down and I kick off my shoes
Some give up when they’ve had enough, but I’ll never let you win
You’re giving me the crossword puzzle blues

You came here on a Sunday, dressed in black and white
You’re leaving here on Monday, if everything works out right
I know you’re playing hard to get, but it’s only a matter of time
I’ll find out what you’re hidin’ from me, or else I’ll lose my mind

I’m glad you aren’t easy, but why are you so cruel?
You love it when I’m angry and confused
Pleasure and pain, it’s all the same, I’m just another fool
Livin’ with the crossword puzzle blues

You came here on a Sunday, dressed in black and white
You’re leaving here on Monday, if everything works out right
I know you’re playing hard to get, but it’s only a matter of time
I’ll find out what you’re hidin’ from me, or else I’ll lose my mind

Pleasure and pain, it’s all the same, I’m just another fool
Livin’ with the crossword puzzle blues (break out the White Out)
Livin’ with the crossword puzzle blues (where’s my thesaurus)
Livin’ with the crossword puzzle blues

Diamonds, et cetera, I woulda bought her, we coulda had a son or a daughter
Instead she’s nothing but lyrical fodder, and that’s alright with me

The last time that I saw you, it ended in a mess
of disbelief and anger, pain and loneliness
But now it’s one year later, and I’ve changed my point of view
For givin’ me inspiration, I’m givin’ my thanks to you

’Cause I couldn’t have done it without you, you were oh so good to me
Your alibis were just sweet lies and the rest is history
I wrote a dozen songs about you, and six of ’em made the Top Ten
Now I live in a deluxe apartment, and I’m driving a Mercedes Benz

The next time that you see me, I’ll be humming a different tune
Sportin’ a new companion, and eatin’ with a silver spoon
I’m feelin’ no hard feelings, I’m as happy as a man can be
Losin’ you was the best damn thing that ever happened to me

’Cause I couldn’t have done it without you, you were oh so good to me
Your alibis were just sweet lies and the rest is history
I wrote a dozen songs about you, and six of ’em made the Top Ten
Now I live in a deluxe apartment, and I’m driving a Mercedes Benz

Your disloyalties to me are generating royalties and fees
So my bad attitude and blues have turned to gratitude to you

But I couldn’t have done it without you, you were oh so good to me
Your alibis were just sweet lies and the rest is history
I wrote a dozen songs about you, and six of ’em made the Top Ten
Now I live in a deluxe apartment, and I’m driving a Mercedes Benz

I Couldn’t Have Done It Without You (Dept. of Thanks): To the musicians, each of whom brought something distinctive to the songs. Special thanks to Kevin, without whose encouragement I never would have started playing in public or recorded this disc; to Mercy James, for doing double-duty as a drummer and website designer; and to Rob and Alison, for ensuring these songs sound as good at the live gigs as they do on the disc. To the inspirations for the songs, most of whom are gone but not forgotten. To Mary, for the cool CD design. To Rachel, Sandy, Julie, Connie, and Jay, for your love, friendship and support.